Marriage V

The Battle of Wills

The Battle of Wills: Somehow is marriage we get to the place where there is a battle of wills. Each party, each spouse is trying to establish territory and rights. The strong willed strive to have the upper hand, be in control, rule the roost. The problem with this kind of exercise, which can go on for years, is that it is non-productive and harmful to the marriage and relationship.

The man has his challenge. He has been told he is the man of the house which usually is interpreted as the dictator of the house. His fellow cronies warn him of being run by a woman, where is his manhood, they wouldn’t take it and on it goes. The woman on the other hand is challenged by her female cadre with they would not put up with that and you cannot allow him to do that and who does he think he is?

With male and female machismo running hot and heavy, there is no place of peace and reconciliation. Marriage was not intended to be a battle of wills, but a place where two became one and worked together. The woman was meant to be a helper mate, part and parcel of the deal.

However, male and female gender differences and preferences will conflict with one another. Not maybe, but always. The process is to come to a place of respect and understanding of the differences and make them work together.

The problem is that once we get to the battle of wills, the emotional charge on both sides is so intense that no one is listening to the other. I remember being a counseling session and as we talked the woman was not listening; she was forming her next argument and rebuttal. The emotion was running so high that no one was looking for answers, but simply vindication of their position. At that point, there is no need to continue. Everyone needs a “timeout.” Go somewhere and calm down. 

In these times, women tend to lose sight of the current issue and use it as an opportunity to bring up everything from the past as part of the argument. They cloud the current issue with the failures and foibles of the past. There is then a sense of hopelessness in the debate and discussion because there is a realization that the past has never become the past. The man on the other hand wants to assert some kind of Tarzan approach where he-man, you-woman. The attempt is to make the woman a sub-creation that needs clubbed over the head and dragged to the cave. Neither of these approaches make anyone feel good or begins to answer the conflict.

Conflict resolution comes primarily out of meeting the needs of the other. It is imperative to understand what is driving the conflict and the position that is held by the man or the woman. Each gender has specific, innate, needs that have to be addressed by the spouse. To ignore the differences or ignore the innate needs is to live in a fantasy land and live in constant turmoil while blaming the other person for all the turmoil.

Woman who think that men think like them are grossly misinformed. And men who think woman are men who are just physically different are totally out of bounds. God has made us significantly different, but we need each other. The happily ever-after fairy tale world does not exist. It is definitely happy at times and hellish at other times. But the covenant is meant to be insoluble. This means God expects us to work through difficulty to a place where WE are working together and not against each other. So, the battle of wills is always a losing proposition. You can win the battle and lose the war in this situation. And, just because you think you won the argument does not mean it is over and done. Marriage is not a debate contest; it is real life and you have to live in it.

Each spouse should be looking for answers, not vindication. Men need to learn understand the wife’s concerns and the wife needs to learn to respect her husband and his views. Somewhere in there is the position of togetherness, love, and answers.

God intends for us to find these places of resolution; for in the resolution there is a building of trust and respect for each other. Caving to the other is not the answer, but working together is.

Necessary Endings

 Necessary Endings

Dr. Henry Cloud, along with Dr. Townsend, wrote a book called “Boundaries.” It is a great lesson on setting boundaries in life that allow us to be what God has called us to be. Often in life we are dictated to, manipulated, and controlled. Learning to live a healthy life is a challenge. We grow up with certain environmental situations that can mold us unknowingly into dysfunctional people. We may never know what God intended for us. I will be leading a LifeGroup soon on Boundaries. We will explore the boundaries necessary in life and how to get there.

I am currently reading another book by Dr. Cloud called “Necessary Endings.” It is geared primarily to the corporate world, but the backdrop for the book is the Book of Ecclesiastes. There is a time and season for all things.

We all hate to end things. We often hang on way too long. We don’t change a job that we are bored with and dream of what we want, but never go after it. We keep trying to hang on to relationships and friends, all the while, we are growing away from them. People hang on to businesses that are failing too long. The same principle holds true in human relationships. Everyone of us has struggled with making changes. We hate to let go of the past and the present. Sometimes we just have to come to the “moment.” The moment that we quit trying to salvage it, quit trying to fix it, quit trying to dig around the bush again and fertilize it.

In church, I have had to learn that the gospel remains, but our programs are expendable. We should not and cannot be married to a program, a ministry, a way of doing church. Every so often, we have to take a serious look at everything we are doing and ask some hard questions. Is it working? Is it healthy? Is it contributing to the vision?  Is it really Christian? Are we adding to the kingdom of God or just entertaining people? 

People, we, do not like change. 60% of people do not like change. Some can take it if it is slow. Only 5% of people like rapid change. That is how traditions get started and no one knows why after 20 years.

A good indicator of change coming is the constant discomfort and ill ease you experience when facing the same situation. God often uses the discomfort to force us to deal with a problem and get it fixed, or He uses it to make us end something that is damaging and hindering us from moving forward with Him.

Now, I am not writing to end marriages etc. But marriage has its seasons. There is the ending of certain seasons and life together has to be redefined. I know, just being a young couple is one season, but when baby comes along, it changes the season dramatically. The way the husband and wife relate changes. Empty nest changes the seasons. Sickness can change the season. Extra people in the house can change the season. Elderly parents in the home changes the season. There has to be a necessary end to one season and the beginning of a new season with fresh direction and companionship. Death of a spouse changes the season drastically.

I have found that adaptability is a necessary commodity for human health. Life is messy. It changes constantly. I look back and the world that I grew up in does not exist. To hold on nostalgically to the past is a ticket to irrelevance. There is a day of necessary endings to behold and enjoy the future.

-Pastor Bill

Piece of Paper

While the percentage of people who choose to cohabit continues to increase, there is a corresponding decline in morality and an increase in unwed mothers and children being raised in single parent homes.

The situation has become so common that many young people do not know that it is wrong to live together conjugally without being married. Those who do have some form of moral upbringing throw out the argument that there is no where in the Bible where marriage is constituted by a “piece of paper.”

Piece of Paper

The argument is extremely hollow and selfish; intended to excuse bad behavior. The Bible actually does talk about a “piece of paper.” Jesus indicated that from the beginning it was to be one woman with one man in a bond or covenant of life long, committed, relationship. “What God has joined let no man put asunder,” speaks loudly to the level of commitment intended. Also, it was “till death parts,” covenant. While there were no court houses at the time or justice of the peace or marriage licenses, there was a society that recognized marriage as sacred. Parents made contracts and arrangements with each other for their children that were legally binding. Although arranged marriages are passé, the purpose of my point is that there were legal implications and binding relationships that were sealed in many different ways. The ceremony was a community recognition that this couple was now a unit. The Biblical laws were such that the contract of marriage was sealed by the blood stain of the virgin wife. This was binding and final. The recognition of marriage was so final that adultery was punishable by death. This speaks strongly to the value of marriage in God’s eyes and the eyes of the society.

Now the “piece of paper” that I am talking about is the writ of divorce. Jesus said that because of the hardness of people’s hearts, a writ or certificate of divorce was granted. If a certificate of divorce was given, it is explicitly implied that the marriage had a bond and contract that had been broken. Marriage protects all. It protects the society in that there is no wholesale sexual abuse of male and female. It protects a society from rampant diseases of the body and of the soul. Marriage provides and protects children from great harm and abuse such as child trafficking, slavery, and physical abuse. It protects the woman giving her a place of importance and a place to bear children that are cared for and loved.

Without marriage, partners have no legal responsibility to each other. The relationship is a casual sexual relationship used by both parties, but withholding the totality of self to the other. When the relationship fails through frailties, emotional failure, financial circumstances, or just boredom, the parties are left destitute of recourse. There is no protection. So the 60 year old woman is replaced by a younger one and she is left in the cold with no protection from the law. A man is left by his partner and incurs huge credit card bills and she finds another sugar daddy. He has no legal recourse. They have children and she leaves with the children; he has little to stand on.

The Bible does not teach, nor support casual relationships without any commitment. The issue of marriage is an important one with deep, legal ramifications. It has to do with heritage, inheritances, blessings, birthrights, and long term health. Living together outside the bond of marriage offers none of the above. By law, the children are illegitimate, the woman, a paramour at best, and the man, an irresponsible lout.

Yes, there is a piece of paper in the Bible. It is a writ of divorce.

Marriage 4

Marriage IV

Love is patient and is kind; love doesn’t envy. Love doesn’t brag, is not proud, (1 Corinthians 13:4)

“Without love, we can live together; yet live alone. Without love, we can have children; yet despise and revile them. Without love, we can be filthy rich; yet desperately destitute.” - Cole Will in his personally written marriage vow to Katie.

Cole shared that with me Sunday night at youth and it was so profound I asked his permission to use it in this article.

How many people are living in a loveless marriage? How many people despise their children? How many people have money, but are destitute? Marriage is an institution which is ordained of God; yet it is used and abused by many who are married. It is not meant to be a torture chamber. It is not meant to be a place of loneliness while sharing the same roof with someone. How many women are trapped in bad marriages because they need the provision that the man is earning?

Silence, distance, co-existence mark many relationships. Man living in his man cave with the TV on, the woman is her chair with her hobbies and phone and Facebook. I have seen people who take separate vacations, have a separate social circle, who, for all intents and purposes, are divorced. They are divorced emotionally. What keeps people like that together? Finances do. Children do. Social pressure does. Embarrassment does. A fear of God does for some.

The Pharisees asked if a man could divorce for any reason. Jesus told them it was not so from the beginning. That the man and the woman would become one flesh. When asked about the law of Moses, Jesus responded that it was because of the hardness of hearts that divorce was granted. So the unity that is intended in marriage is far more than realized. The one flesh rule includes far more than sexual union. It implies that there is a common goal, a common life, a common care. As one nourishes and cares for their own body, the same response is given to the marriage partner. Nothing is to be done to harm the other. While there are huge gender differences and emotional approaches, it is never an excuse to quit on the other person. We are one flesh. It is like one being.

Now the reality is far different. Self enters the picture regularly and consistently. Self wants to emphasize the differences, emphasize personal need, and lobby strongly for what self wants. This is true of man and woman. The playing field of marriage shifts regularly. It is place of constant change and adjustment. Children change things, jobs change things, in-laws change things, age changes things. Each decade seems to bring changes in physical and emotional health for each member of the marriage and learning the oneness is a new adventure.

Those who are constantly looking for romantic bliss will probably never see it. Those who are looking to serve and love their spouse will find those moments of romantic bliss. However, the moments are fairly spontaneous, extemporaneous, and fleeting. Sometimes, it is almost like when you recognize and mention it, it is gone. So, when you have the moment, savor it and keep quiet, do not label it, just take it in and cherish it.

However, long term success in marriage is not one long romantic moment, it is more the peace, acceptance, the calm love, the security, and the shared journey that really counts.

Men and women who keep their marriages charged with jealousy, arguments, insecurity, and constant distrust, ruin the intended blessing of one flesh. No one wants to live with someone who does not trust them. And every partner should be so committed to the other that there should be no distrust.

Remember, love is kind and patient. We must work toward these Biblical goals. Trouble comes and we are troubled by events and circumstances, but they can be overcome by the patience and love that each should have for one another. Remember, we are one flesh. Together we make a pretty formidable stance against the enemy and any situation thrown against us.

Seasons, To Everything a Time

Seasons, To Everything a Time

Faith. The illusive understanding. All of us have struggled with faith. We struggle mostly because of confusion. We do not fully understand what God is doing. We read of the miracles in the Bible, we listen to the TV preacher who speaks of formulas of faith, we read the books and testimonies of great times of God’s interventions and then we have our challenge facing us.

We question, why? We do not understand that in one instance God does His intervention thing and then in others, it seems He is uninterested or maybe, just says no. We have  our questions and with them come out doubts. Am I crazy, am I an unbeliever, have I backslidden, or maybe God just dosen’t like me?

Every honest follower of Christ has asked these questions. If you live by a formula of faith, you will fail. God is not a magic dispenser. He is not moved by threat or formulas by which he is supposed to perform. He does know our human condition. Even Jesus cried out with a sense of forsakenness from the cross even though he is a part of the trinity and is God. Wow, figure that one out.

However faith is not capricious. He does not favor one over the other. As the call to salvation is for all, so is the call to faith. We cannot please him without faith. Faith is basically, trust. I trust you God. Faith has substance and most times what we call faith has no substance. It is more a hope of grasping something that is illusive. Faith comes by hearing the word of God. Not preaching, but the word of God. Not reading, but the word of God. This means I heard God speak to me. Not all things we hear from God are favorable in this sense, it may mean a call to suffering or dying. What Jesus heard in the Garden was the cross and no options. What Paul heard was Jerusalem and jail. Yet, faith was in those words. Strength to endure were in those words.

Often our attempt at faith has a preconceived notion or a prejudice of response. Faith is trusting God after hearing him. Oh, we can bring our wish list and our priority list to him and those my match up at times, but really faith only comes when we hear him. He may reject our wish list. He may rearrange our priorities. He may speak something totally unheard before and tell us to take that path.

Now, when we hear from God, we get substance and evidence. We can boldly move forward since we have substance and evidence. Faith has a confidence. There is none of the confusion. There is no waffling. It is firm, established, and now the confession part works. Confession does not work until you have faith. Often people are making confessions to work themselves into faith. What a waste of time. Seek the Father, hear his voice, get your instructions, and then you have grounds of faith to begin confessing what God has instructed. Then you begin to practice faith. Then you do not doubt in the dark what you saw in the light.

Can I have questions? Yes. What about my doubts? You can have those too. But questions and doubts should drive us to God for answers and reassurance. They should not take us to accusations of God nor lead us into self worship.

Learning the seasons of God helps us in coping with life. Blanket exemption from life’s seasons is not available to Christians or non Christians. Life’s problems are held by all. But we do have the Lord and his wonderful care. Faith causes us to trust Him and that all things will work together for our good. -Pastor Bill  

Marriage

 Marriage is honorable in all,...  (Hebrews 13:4)

“Oh, I remember it well.” This line from the movie “Gigi,” is played out in our lives regularly. Cathy and I have now been married 49 years and counting. How did that many get by us? We will tell stories of different events and she will remember things I don’t and I remember things she doesn’t.

I was commenting to Cathy that many people do not get to be married that long to their spouses. Her mother had two husbands pass away after being married to each one for fourteen years. My grandmothers probably did not see more than twenty five years with my grandfathers. Circumstances of life alter plans and sometimes sickness or tragedy will interrupt married life and leave one alone.

So, we consider it to be a blessing to be able to be married this long. Of course, my parents are twenty years ahead of us which is an amazing blessing. Maybe they will reach the 75 year mark, it is entirely possible since they still have good health.

God honors marriage. However, he never mentions in his word anything about “easy.” He did say something about leaving mother and father. He did say something about holding to one another. He did say something about being one flesh. He did say to be fruitful and multiply. He did say to love your wife. He did say to respect your husband. He did say to be faithful to one another. Those are all positive things. The converse of all those brings heartache to the marriage. A man who will not take his place in the marriage and still remains a “mama’s boy,” will dishonor and damage his wife. The other side is true too. A woman who will not hold to her husband and runs to daddy and mommy for everything disrespects her husband and tears her home apart. The idea that God has, is that the man and woman work together to form a family and a deep bond with one another.

Also, the one flesh thing is extremely important too. The bonding that takes place when there is love holds that unit together in times of difficulty. There is a spiritual bonding that takes place as God designed when the husband and wife come together. This area is one of the key areas of marital difficulty which continually needs addressed in struggling marriages. Men and women differ in their needs in this area and learning to serve one another is important to the marriage’s longevity and success.

He said be fruitful and multiply. Marriage is for building families. Children are a blessing and a huge responsibility, but they are part of the perfect plan of God. Those who marry and decide not to have children have missed part of the blessing God intended and part of the plan for marriage. Of course we know that sometimes there are extenuating circumstances that do not allow a couple to have children.

The whole area of love and respect is a mountain of conscious responsibility. Men are commanded to love their wives. This means going way beyond the physical attraction to a place of being genuinely concerned for her in every aspect. She needs love when she has had a horrible day with little ones. She needs love on a bad hair day. Women are commanded to respect their husbands. Men, because of their leadership position and responsibility to provide will sometimes make mistakes which affect the wife and family negatively. The wife can then become critical and complaining. He then can be cast as never good enough which will defeat the marriage.

All long term negatives in a marriage will set up circumstances for moral failure. The guy at work pays attention to the woman who is struggling at home, the gal at work listens to the man struggling and the set up is made for unfaithfulness. It usually starts with the need for someone to listen and understand before it becomes sexual. Not dealing with problems at home allows the enemy to create situations for unfaithfulness. Learning to work through problems and do so quickly helps sustain a marriage long term. No one skates through life with a breeze and unchallenged. My dad said marriage is a “Feat.”

Nephilim (giants)

Nephilim (giants)

There were giants (nephilim) in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God
came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became
mighty men which were of old, men of renown.    ~ Genesis 6:4

In the 1968 horror movie, Rosemary’s Baby, the plot had a woman conceiving the offspring of Satan. So, in the movie Satan was able to impregnate a human. It was the antithesis of the incarnation of Jesus Christ through the virgin birth. 

There is a disturbing thought that is passing through Christian circles. It is that somehow fallen angels or Satan are able to procreate with human women. The scriptures referring to the Nephilim are given the status that the sons of God found the daughters of men attractive and they bore giants in the land. Some have taught or speculated that these were the cross breeding of angels and humans. The Nephilim appear before and after the flood. 

Here are some of the issues that concern me with these thoughts and speculations. First of all, there is no indication in scripture that this is true. It is not expressly stated anywhere. Secondly, there is no statement that angels can reproduce.  Jesus indicated that they are neither given or taken in marriage. They are created beings and their number seems to be fixed. Lucifer led a third of them in rebellion. Demonic beings can inhabit and control, but there is no indication anywhere in the word that possession causes any form of procreation. 

Thirdly, it is important to pay attention to such conspiracy theories and speculations. If you say that angels can procreate, you open the door to all forms of heresy and undermine some of the key beliefs of the faith.

If you believe Satan can procreate, then he is a being with creative power; whereas the Bible says that he is a created being. He is subservient to God and not an equal power to God. If you believe he can have children with human women, then, knowing his approach, he would have filled the earth already with his fallen, mutated beings.

If you believe there are mutated human/demonic beings, then it is impossible for you to believe in the creation as God describes it in the Bible. The Bible expressly states that everything is created and procreated after its own kind. If you hold to human/demonic creatures, then it is plausible for evolution to be true. While you as a Christian would fight evolution, you fully support it if there is the ability for such mutations as proposed by those who believe the Nephilim were angel/ human mixes. 

Yet, in all of the studies done by Christian and non-Christian scientists who question evolution, there has never been found any record of mutational transitions. Everything has produced according to its kind from the beginning. Even the virgin birth is substantial in that God said, “let us make man after our own image.” So, God overshadowed Mary for the conception of Jesus would still hold true to the “after their own kind” mandate of the Scripture.

Is the purpose of all this conjecture to just add to the aura and mystic of Satan and darkness? Does it really explain anything or does it just add confusion? The fact there were giants does not make them demonic. Even today we have cultures that are larger than others. The Dutch are the tallest nation. There are tribes in Africa that are extremely tall and then there are pygmies and small Asian peoples. But they are all human, after their own kind.

I do not know exactly what the Nephilim were or why they were to be destroyed. They were considered evil. But to assign crossbreeding is dangerous conjecture.